Approval Seeking and Validation
by Beth Klarreich Corwin

“She’s the most popular one in her class. I can’t believe it the teacher told me that her job would be so easy if all the students paid attention like she did.”

“You know what kind of a ring leader Max is, well yesterday Mrs. Spiegel told me that he taught everyone Barney’s clean up song and now all the kids sing it as they clean up.”

“My parent teacher conference was such a great experience. I was actually expecting a horror report since you know what kind of a monster she can be at home. Apparently she is an angel in school and saves all her darkest moments for me.”

These were only a few of the comments my M.S. M. friends (Main Stream Moms) made at our weekly get together. This was the first get together since the kids began kindergarten. All of the kids accept mine, as I had made the decision to home school. No one was used to me being silent and I certainly had nothing to contribute to this conversation. Well , nothing positive so I did manage to keep my opinions to myself.

This group of woman had come together when our kids were as young as six weeks old and we were all taking an aerobics class where you could bring your baby in its car seat and participate as much as your child would let you. Of course I usually spent the whole time with my leotard open and my breast being sucked upon. It was however a good way for me to connect to other moms as we has just moved from Manhattan to a neighboring suburb. What I actually did discover by connecting with this group of moms was how much I really didn’t connect and how radically different our ideas were on.... well basically everything. From parenting philosophies to pediatricians, appropriate toys, television viewing and diets . They were and still are NICE and since I like people and am very social I just kept on being different and hanging out with them. It actually was my husband who finally pointed out to me that I should make some new friends. Well with post pregnant raging hormones , sleep deprivation and cracked nipples I just started crying and said,”I don’t have time to make new friends you make them for me.” Thank goodness my husband did take me seriously because with his computer knowledge he did manage to do just that. He found a really great group of alternative moms who were very much like minded. Not only did he obtain a happier wife but he finally met some other fathers that he could relate to as well.

These new friends were so refreshing but being the type that maintains many friendships I am still in contact with these M.S.M.’s and when their kids first began school i t was a time of great awkwardness .

When they realized I was not participating in their conversation pertaining to their first parent teacher conferences they began to question me. “Don’t you wonder how Spencer would do in a school group situation? The teacher would be so impressed with his attention span and his verbal skills .”

I actually did start to wonder and I quickly shifted my attention reminding myself not to go there. It is so easy to get sucked into the popular point of view. When I am around my H.S.M (home school mom friends) it is obviously easier to just be me, the authentic me, putting on no airs and not being careful with my words. But with this crowd I always feel a bit on guard and never want to get into a discussion where I have to justify or defend my point of view. I do however find diversity a real plus and learn from being exposed to it all.

Shortly after the parent teacher conference discussion I found myself wondering more often about how Spencer was doing in relation to his peers, and how I was doing in relation to a kindergarten teacher. I realized how dependent our society is on outside approval, basing our selves, our accomplishments on the value of someone else’s opinion. It seems to me that we are motivated so much by extrinsic factors , never really stopping to check deep within ourselves about how it is we are doing. I realized how I was used to a teacher , parent or friend commenting about my accomplishments, my shortcomings, my whole way of being. It becomes a pattern , a habitual way of being. Is it necessary? To constantly be judged and constantly looking for someone else to validate your existence. Being away from the system has definitely shed a new light on this subject for me .

Seeing that I was not going to get feedback about Spencer or my teaching skills I decided to just relax and enjoy him and my other son Buddy. I let my emotions guide me . Was I happy being with them, were they happy doing the activities we did together? This became more important to me than someone else’s opinion about us.

Shortly after this decision however as Spencer, Buddy and I were participating in a homescholing nature class together another homescholing mom came up to me. “You know I just have to tell you something,” Isabel la began “ I love watching you and your sons interact. First of all they really listen during class and are so intent on whatever it is they are doing. I can tell that you have a very sacred relationship with them and it is so nice to be around that kind of energy.”

Validation after all!! It certainly did feel great to be complemented , to have my sons complemented and for the nature of our relationship to be noticed. I didn’t have to schedule a conference, my kids weren’t being scrutinized by someone part of a larger system. Just a mom making an observation. Personalized and completely spontaneous.

I guess no matter where approval comes from it still always feels good . I just want my actions to be guided more from within myself than from the outside world and their opinion of me .